A lot of women stop following their dream after their first rejection, lack of response or loss with the words "It's not meant to be", "
it would have been good, I would have sold more of my product/service", "If I were worthy I would have gotten that job". Unfortunately, we often project a Disney-like approach to life, that everything should happen just because we want something.
While we accept that the world is much more complex on an emotional level, we choose to deny it, and our goals often fall victim to our child-like approach- if I am not good at the game straight away, it's a stupid game. It's our responsibility to ourselves to learn to container our frustration and u
pset and keep on going no matter what.
The chief success t researcher, Carol Dwek, says that mindset is key to sticking to your goal through thick and thin and eventually succeeding. She identifies two mindsets: fixed and growth.
A fixed mindset is, unfortunately, what I see in most of my clients, and let's be honest, I had it for a very long time myself. Under this mindset, one wants to do everything perfectly right from the start, and if it isn't, one blames and shames themselves for not being good enough. (As a recovering perfectionist, I know the talk far too well). When you fail (and it’s a when not if), you start shaming yourself for not being smart enough or not doing a good job. To protect your ego, you will retrieve from any further activity as you deem yourself unfit for these tasks. Often it is done through devaluing your goals "I did not really want it anyway"! Out of mind, out of sight.
Procrastination and perfectionism are dear children of a fixed mindset. They help you protect yourself from failure (if you don’t do anything, you can’t fail. How convenient!).
When you are focused not on a result but on improving your game- you have a growth mindset. Your eyes are on winning the war, not just a battle. For you, failure is an opportunity to learn something new. Yes, you will go through lows, and you will feel shit, but you will not give up. It’s grit, baby. Sounds easy, but it's hard to live by.
So what if you find yourself more often in a fixed mindset?
First of all, acknowledge your state. Be compassionate to yourself. Explain to your inner child that you have to risk it to eat the biscuit. Grieve the imperfections of the world. Accept the way things are. And gently start doing things that will help you to reach your goal. At first, there might be a lot of resistance. But as new neurological pathways form in your brain, it will get easier. It won’t be fast, and it won't be rosy, but you can do it. I have and so can you. Once you know about the tricks your mind plays on you hopefully you will fall victim less often. If you want to dig deeper into your mindset, why not reach out and have a free introductory coaching session with me.